I know some of you have missed me some of you haven't but like Celie said "I may be Black and I may be Ugly but I'm Here by God I'm Here."
I have a lot to say a lot I have been meditating on that has been reduced to the quote below. First I want to apologize to those of you who follow me for my photographs, my computer is wonky as all get out and none of my usb ports have worked for over two months despite numerous attempts by me to repair them. So before the end of the year I am getting a MAC I am officially over it. I do however continue to take pictures daily and now have over 300 that when I download are sure to shock and awe you.
Whenever I am in transition I like to keep my circle tight so to speak and take a good look at me. So every morning I take Boy Wonder and Child Genius to school then come back and do one of 4 workouts: Taebo, Pilates, Yoga or Biggest Loser combo strength and cardio training, sometimes I get sassy and do a 2fer. I then make myself this fabulous smoothie containing bananas, blueberries, nutella, ground and whole flax seeds, 1 scoop whey protein and coconut milk after that I work. But what really has pushed me these past few months has been my meditation time during my workouts. Boy I have explained to Child Genius that a few times I felt as though I was outside my body in a beautiful light, just absolutely awe in freaking spiring. I started off meditating on me but lately it has turned into 2 hour meditations on this one thought I AM LOVE.
So to that end if I AM LOVE and all those who have committed transgressions (hehe Tiger) towards me and we are all from the same source then they are LOVE as well. Now when I had this epiphany (of which I have had a ton lately) all of the fears of letting them too close to hurt started to slough away. This was really put to the test this weekend because you see I finally watched Precious, I cried for 6 hours Child Genius was so nervous because she stated "I know that I cannot comfort you Mommy" and I explained to her that there was no need to comfort me because I can cry for the little girl lost and still know I am the woman growing every day. I also told her "You can comfort me by spreading your wings and flying, being more than even you dream, when you're done checking off all the items on this to do list make another that is even bolder." While you are flying you are inspiring me because I didn't realize I was beautiful until people started commenting how you looked just like me, how you are such a great young woman that you must have learned that from me." I told her "You see I am making my list too and I am going to spread my wings because well I can." She laughed. The real test however was the next day when my mother called all nonchalant as she always is and I DID NOT CURSE HER, OR QUESTION HER, I just answered her questions and hung up. It wasn't until an hour later that I understood how huge that was because somehow in all the meditation I am letting that go.
This much I have learned so far that when people disappoint you or hurt you it never is about you. It is about the fact that you are reflecting their highest self and they don't believe they can live up to that expectation. In short they are afraid of themselves. So with that I am back and going to get a MAC.